Imagine this
you’re lying awake in bed, replaying the conversation you had just hours ago with your boyfriend. It wasn’t about something small — it was about something that’s been bothering you for a while.
But every time you tried to express your feelings, his response stung: “Oh, but what about when you…” or “You’re just making things up.” Your heart pounds, your mind races, and you end up retreating — because speaking up feels like walking into a minefield.
Then, like clockwork, he comes back sweet, apologizes, says he doesn’t want to fight — and for a brief moment, you feel safe again. But inside, you wonder: is this just a cycle?
That pattern you describe isn’t just “bad communication” — it could be emotional manipulation, a subtle but powerful form of gaslighting, and you’re not alone in feeling confused, invalidated, and mentally drained.
How Common Is This Kind of Behavior — And Why It Hurts So Much
- Emotional abuse is far more common than people realize. In one large-scale U.S. study, around 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men reported lifetime psychological aggression from a partner.
- According to the Solace Women’s Aid factsheet, 1 in 2 women will experience emotional abuse at some point in their lives.
- Gaslighting, specifically — that technique where someone manipulates another to question their reality — is a well-documented dynamic. A systematic review of couples found that it’s “significantly prevalent” in romantic relationships, and tends to erode self-confidence, autonomy, and one’s grasp on their own experiences.
- In fact, over 54% of psychologically aggressive behaviors, based on a study analyzing real accounts from survivors, were identified as gaslighting.
- And the long-term effects? Gaslighting is strongly linked with lower relationship satisfaction, increased depression, and chronic self-doubt.
These aren’t just technical terms — they reflect real, damaging patterns that many people (especially women, statistically) find themselves trapped in.
Understanding the Pattern You’re Facing
What you’re experiencing — deflection (“what about when you…”), denial (“that’s not how it happened”), and invalidation (“you’re crazy”) — aligns closely with classic gaslighting and manipulative control tactics. Here’s how:
- Projection and Blame-Shifting: By redirecting blame back onto you (“what about when you…”), he avoids accountability and makes you second-guess yourself.
- Denial of Reality: Saying “you’re making things up” or “that’s not how it happened” is a way to undermine your memory.
- Emotional Denigration: Calling you “crazy” and invalidating your feelings is a hallmark of psychological manipulation. Over time, it can deeply chip away at your self-esteem.
- Cycle of Apology + Sweetness: After conflict, the sudden kindness and apology reset the emotional space. But because the underlying behavior repeats, it becomes a dangerous loop — you feel hopeful, but things go back to the same painful pattern.
Research has shown that manipulative partners often rely on such relational tactics because they slowly strip away a victim’s autonomy and self-trust.
Do People Who Do This Change? (Short Answer: Sometimes — But It’s Complicated)
As a relationship expert, I have to underscore: yes, change is possible, but it’s not guaranteed, especially if the behavior is deeply ingrained. Here’s what the research and clinical insights suggest:
- In a study measuring acceptance of gaslighting behaviors, men who scored higher on traits like Machiavellianism or psychopathy were more likely to justify manipulative tactics.
- Because gaslighting is subtle and non-physical, many people don’t even recognize it in themselves; that makes accountability harder.
- A recent review argues for education, awareness-building, and therapeutic intervention as key preventive tools to help people break these toxic cycles.
So yes, there is room for growth — but it requires insight, consistent effort, and often external help.
How The Devotion System (and My Advice) Can Help You — Especially as a Woman Trying to Fix Her Relationship
I want to talk about a focused way forward. As a relationship expert, here’s what I suggest, and how a framework like The Devotion System can support you:
- Recognize and Validate Your Reality
You are not imagining things. That feeling of being dismissed or manipulated is real, and it’s important to name it. By doing this, you reclaim your own voice and your right to be heard. - Set Boundaries Around Argument Patterns
Tell him explicitly — “I will not continue this conversation if I am being blamed or called crazy. Let’s pause, revisit, and talk respectfully when we’re both calmer.” Repeat until it becomes part of how you communicate. - Seek Support and Guidance
Using a system like The Devotion System, you can learn structured ways to communicate—not just when things are fine, but when conflict arises. The strategies taught therein can help you maintain your self-respect, stay emotionally grounded, and respond rather than react when he deflects. - Encourage Accountability
Share your concerns with him in a calm moment, outside of a fight. Use concrete examples. Ask him to join couples therapy or relationship coaching, so both of you can learn healthier communication patterns. - Protect Your Emotional Well-Being
Equip yourself with self-care strategies: journaling, therapy, a trusted friend or support circle. Emotional manipulation can wear you down; having external support helps you sustain clarity and strength.
Conclusion
You’re not alone in this struggle — millions of people, especially women, face emotional manipulation in their relationships.
Research shows that nearly half of individuals report experiencing psychological aggression, and gaslighting accounts for a large portion of that abuse. The behavior you describe is not trivial, and it’s not “just your imagination.”
But here’s the hopeful part: change can happen. With honest boundaries, support, and a structured approach like The Devotion System, you can push back against manipulation and rebuild a healthier, more respectful dynamic.
The critical question is, will he be willing to do that work — and are you prepared to ask him to?
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