I sat at my work late one evening, scrolling through Instagram Reels, and there he was, my boyfriend, laughing with a group of girls from his MBA class.
In that moment, my heart twisted. Because back home, hundreds of miles away, I muted every male classmate on WhatsApp, erased them from Instagram, and scarcely dared to respond for fear of offending him.
The image on screen felt like a slap: why would he expect me to give up friendships I seldom utilized when he freely spends time with them?
As a relationship expert, I understand how perplexing and hurtful this type of double standard can be—and I’d want to walk you through what’s going on, whether this is a red sign, and how you can regain your peace of mind.
Understanding What’s Happening: Signs of Control and Possession.
Several red flags indicate possessive behavior based on what you’ve revealed.
1. Control over your interactions:
You mentioned that he urged you to “remove guys from Instagram” and discouraged you from emailing male classmates.
This is a sort of social isolation. According to relationship-health specialists, asking a spouse to minimize or discontinue contact with others is a common indication of control.
2. Jealousy and double standards:
Despite his claims that he avoids talking to girls because he “feels ugly,” you’ve seen him near the same female classmates several times.
It’s unfair—and emotionally unequal—for him to restrict you while granting himself freedom.
3. Unequal boundaries:
The fact that you feel “scared or guilty” about messaging your male peers indicates that he does not respect your autonomy.
In a dysfunctional relationship, one partner frequently makes rules for the other rather than showing mutual respect.
4. Emotional manipulation:
When you bring up his behavior and he dismisses your concerns (“it’s just an attendance order”), it may cause you to doubt your own perception. This is an example of emotional dismissiveness.
These are not just “quirks of love”—these can be serious issues. Possessiveness like this, especially when combined with double standards, can erode your trust and self-worth over time.
Research shows that when a partner constantly tries to control whom you talk to, it can lead to emotional distress and reduced autonomy.
Why This Situation Is Particularly Tricky: The LDR Factor
Long-distance relationships (LDRs) come with their own set of challenges: trust, communication, and the constant need for reassurance. But in your case, the struggle isn’t just the distance—it’s the unequal rules.
- Lack of balance: While you’re expected to limit your social interactions, he gets to hang out and be seen freely. This can create resentment.
- Insecurity masked as humility: He says he “feels ugly” and uses that as a reason for not talking to girls—but your observations suggest that’s not the full story. Sometimes, people project insecurities to avoid accountability.
- Gaslighting risk: When your concerns are brushed aside (“it’s just because of attendance order”), it can feel like you’re overthinking—but when patterns persist, it’s not just in your head.
What Can You Do: Strategies to Navigate This
Here’s what I suggest, as a relationship expert, to help you regain clarity and restore balance:
- Set clear boundaries
- Decide what is acceptable for you: Is it okay for him to hang around certain girls? What makes you uncomfortable?
- Communicate your boundaries calmly and clearly. Use “I”-statements: “I feel hurt when …” or “I need to feel trusted.”
- Insist on mutual respect. Boundaries should not apply one way only.
- Have an honest conversation
- Bring up the videos you saw. Let him explain, but don’t let him gaslight you into thinking your concerns are invalid.
- Ask him why he expects you to cut off male classmates. Is it insecurity? Fear? Or something else?
- Encourage him to reflect on fairness: “I’m okay giving you space, but I also need freedom and trusting boundaries.”
- Work on your own sense of self-worth
- Don’t let his rules make you doubt your value.
- Engage in self-care: talk to friends, take up journaling, or even speak to a counselor if this control feels overwhelming.
- Rebuild confidence so that you can assert your needs without guilt.
- Consider structured support
- Sometimes, self-work and healthy communication help—but it’s also okay to use a structured program. For instance, The Devotion System by Amy North is designed to help women build emotional strength, understand relationship dynamics, and establish healthy boundaries.
Using a guide can give you a roadmap to communicate more powerfully, maintain your individuality, and foster mutual respect.
When to Recognize a Red Flag
These patterns are more than merely relationship bumps; they suggest a power imbalance.
If, after discussions and boundary setting, he continues to insist on control while denying you the same freedom he enjoys, this could be a red flag.
Consistent possessive control, even via the pretense of love, is a significant problem.
Bring It All Together
You deserve a relationship in which trust, respect, and liberty are mutual and not conditional. It is perfectly reasonable to expect your partner to respect your friendships and independence, just as you do for him.
If his behavior continues to feel restricting and uneven, this is more than a misunderstanding; it is a pattern.
As a relationship specialist, I recommend prioritizing communication, self-worth, and appropriate limits.
And, if necessary, tools such as The Devotion System can help you confidently negotiate emotionally hard situations. Most importantly, you should never sacrifice your own self-esteem for someone else’s insecurities.
So, my question to you is, are you ready to reclaim your voice and insist on a relationship based on trust and equality?
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