I want to share with you a story — and some solid data — because what you’re going through is more common than you might think, yet deeply painful.
Imagine a young woman, let’s call her Anny. She’s 19, in a relationship with a guy she cares about deeply — let’s call him Sandy, 20.
They don’t live together, but they see each other several days a week, and things are good physically. Yet the moment Anya learns that Rohit watches porn three times a week, she feels like the ground has shifted under her.
She had asked him before, made it clear how much it hurts her, they even discussed how exploitative the industry can be — but she feels betrayed.
He said he’d stop, he feels guilty, he’s even going to therapy. Still, she’s left wondering: Can someone who watches it that often really just stop? And what do I do now?
Why This Isn’t Just “Normal”
First, let’s look at what the research says. According to the National Couples and Pornography Survey (2021), 1 in 5 couples report conflict over porn use.
The same study found that about 25% of men actively hide their porn use from their partners, while around 1 in 3 women worry their partner is watching it in secret.
When porn use is frequent — especially weekly or more — it is strongly associated with lower relationship stability, commitment, and satisfaction.
Couples in which both partners abstain from porn report the highest levels of stability: over 90% report high satisfaction, commitment, and relationship stability.
On the flip side, couples where both partners watch porn daily report up to a 45% drop in relationship stability and a 30% drop in commitment compared to non-users.
These findings align with something relationship researchers call the “Four Cs”: Conflict, Control, Compulsion, and Communication.
For example: about 20% of men in dating or married relationships feel they can’t stop watching porn, and around 1 in 5 women worry their partner is unable to quit.
Why Secrecy Hurts the Most
A big part of the pain comes not just from the porn itself, but from the secrecy around it. In many relationships, there’s a mismatch — what one partner thinks, and what is really happening. In a study, 37% of men reported more porn use than their partners believed.
That gap — between reality and what’s being shared — breeds distrust. In fact, hiding porn use can lead to greater feelings of betrayal than just the act itself.
Another study from daily-diary research found that when a person uses porn without their partner knowing, their own relationship satisfaction and intimacy on that day are lower.
This isn’t just about your partner; it’s about how their private behavior affects how you both feel — emotionally and relationally.
But Is It Always Negative?
It’s not black-and-white. Some research suggests that porn use doesn’t always correlate with lower relationship satisfaction.
For example, a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that in some couples, pornography use was not linked to lower overall relationship satisfaction.
This indicates that context matters — how often porn is used, whether it’s hidden or shared, how both partners feel about it, and whether there are clear boundaries.
Another study in Frontiers in Psychology found that the pattern of porn use makes a big difference. Whether couples watch together or separately, and how much they communicate about it, changes how it impacts their bond.
What This Means for You
As a relationship expert, here’s what I’d suggest — especially for someone in your shoes:
- Open Communication: Create a safe, non-judgmental space to talk about porn. Ask him how he feels, why he uses it, and what he thinks about quitting. It’s not just about confronting; it’s about understanding.
- Set Boundaries Together: Instead of unilateral demands, work together to set porn-related boundaries. What’s okay? What’s not? What’s the frequency both of you are comfortable with?
- Therapy Is a Good Step: He’s said he’ll go to therapy. That’s positive. But couples therapy might also be helpful — you both could benefit from a guided space to address trust, hurt, and rebuilding intimacy.
- Accountability and Support: Sometimes, support systems and accountability (like using apps or check-ins) can help someone reduce or stop problematic behavior.
- Healing Trust: Rebuilding trust takes time. Actions will matter more than just words. Keep a diary of your feelings, and perhaps revisit your progress monthly — are things improving? Or is the same pain returning?
- Self-Care: Don’t neglect your own emotional health. Seek support from friends, a counselor, or a trusted adult. Your feelings are valid, and healing begins with you too.
One approach that helps many women in situations like yours is something I guide through in The Devotion System — a framework focused on communication, emotional security, and building commitment.
While porn use is a tough issue, with the right support, it’s possible to rebuild trust, address the deeper insecurities, and find a path forward together.
Conclusion
You’re not overreacting. The pain you feel is real, and the statistics back you up: hidden porn use can erode trust and stability in a relationship.
But there is hope. With honest communication, boundaries, and help — both personal and relational — healing is possible.
So I ask you: do you feel ready to start that conversation — not just to confront, but to understand, heal, and rebuild?
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