When Loyalty Feels Like Confusion: Navigating the Pull of Infidelity Fantasies

I still recall one of my clients, let’s call her “Aisha,” a 28-year-old woman (hiding her real name due to privacy reason), sitting across from me with tears in her eyes and confessing, “I think about cheating on my boyfriend all the time, but I don’t want to lose him.”

Her narrative had a strong emotional impact. She had lived with her partner for over two years, loved him profoundly, and envisaged a future with him—nice house, children, shared dreams—but she also felt a growing emptiness.

She was concerned that her thinking may “slip” and betray her devoted heart.

This conflict between intense love and a desire for something else is more widespread than most people think. Let us unpack this.

The Hidden Prevalence of Infidelity Fantasies

First, it’s critical to recognize that having ideas or dreams about cheating does not imply that you will act on them. Research reveals that such fantasies are surprisingly widespread.

A study of people in monogamous relationships discovered that 32.6% have dreamt about being in a consensual non-monogamous relationship at least once, with 80% saying they would like to act on this wish.
The same study found that thinking about open relationships or polyamory is not limited to a small group of people, but rather reflects a very human, widespread urge.
According to a larger meta-analysis, roughly 17.5% of persons claim sexual infidelity in their lifetime, while 27.5% report emotional infidelity; actions that may or may not correspond to their own definitions of “cheating.”
Some personality and social variables influence how people view these behaviors: for example, people who feel powerful in their relationships are more comfortable investigating “alternatives.”

So, you are not alone. Fantasies about non-monogamy or “other people” may not always indicate moral failing; they could be founded in inner psychology, unmet needs, or relational dynamics.

What Might Be Driving Your Conflict

Given your situation, various variables could be contributing to these repeated thoughts:

Power and Self-Worth: When one partner believes they have more “power” in the relationship—or are more desirable—it might lead to a higher willingness to pursue other partnerships.
Unmet Emotional or Physical Needs: You say that your sex life is “satisfying,” yet your attraction has decreased. You are also frustrated by his lack of self-care. These tensions might cause emotional distance, making dreams about other individuals more tempting as “what if” scenarios.
Ambiguous Boundaries of Infidelity: Everyone defines cheating differently. According to research, people differ greatly in their perceptions of “infidelity,” with differences linked to attachment style, gender, and personal beliefs.
Desire for Autonomy and Novelty: Fantasies about polyamory or non-monogamy may not be just about dissatisfaction—they may represent a yearning for freedom, growth, or new experiences. As Time Magazine notes, consensual non-monogamous relationships often feature very intentional communication about boundaries, health, and trust.

Therapy vs. Polyamory: What Might Help

You wondered if the answer was therapy. Is this polyamory? As a relationship expert, I see the possibilities as follows:

Therapy

Individual therapy might help you investigate the source of your aspirations. Why do these imaginations feel so intense? Is it about freedom, boredom, isolation, or something else?
Couples therapy can help you and your boyfriend reestablish closeness, renegotiate needs, and clarify your goals for the future.
Importantly, many therapists lack enough training in consensual non-monogamy. According to one scoping analysis, some therapists have stigmatizing attitudes toward non-monogamous relationships, which can be damaging.

Considering Polyamory (or Open Relationship)

For some, ethical non-monogamy (such as polyamory) allows them to explore their attraction to others without “cheating.”
But it is not a quick fix. It necessitates extensive communication, openness, and trust. As one expert puts it, open partnerships rely on honesty about agreements and boundaries.
Long-term polyamorous relationships may and do work, as evidenced by research: in one poll, polyamorous couples reported primary partnerships lasting an average of eight years.
However, embracing non-monogamy solely for the sake of fantasy, rather than addressing underlying relational issues, might backfire. There is a possibility that polyamory will be used as a “escape” rather than a deliberate, mutually agreeable arrangement.

How We (and The Devotion System) Can Help

I suggest a structured, compassionate plan:

Self-Reflection: Start with individual counseling (or journaling if therapy isn’t immediately accessible). Examine: What exactly do you feel is missing? When do these fantasies surface most strongly?
Couples Dialogue: Bring your partner into a safe space (therapist, trusted mediator, or structured conversation) to discuss boundaries, needs, and your future.
Education: Learn together about consensual non-monogamy—its benefits and challenges. Books like More Than Two can be a good starting point. Wikipedia
Guided Support: Here’s where something like The Devotion System can come in. As a relationship expert, I suggest using such a framework to help you:
- Realign your emotional connection,Reinforce communication habits,Rebuild trust and intimacy.
By applying structured, proven techniques, you can navigate your feelings in a way that protects your bond rather than jeopardizes it.

Conclusion

You’re at a crossroads: you’re completely connected to someone you care about, but you feel compelled to pursue something else. Internal tension is not inherently a betrayal; rather, it is a signal. It invites you to pause, reflect, and act with humility and courage.

Therapy may help you understand why these desires emerge. Open relationship styles such as polyamory may provide a road forward—but only if both parties travel it knowingly, mutually, and respectfully.

In the end, you do not have to choose between your feelings for him and your need for more. You may form a partnership that evolves, aligns, and supports both your heart and mind—but will you take the first step?